Is A Dream A Lie
by Drive all night
Summary: When your life is torn apart, the road to recovery is never easy. Some scars will never heal so when it happens again the only choice may not be the easiest one. Stay or Go Home? Live the dream or Stay with the Lie? Yes, it is the often asked for GHOSTS prequel.
1. On His Own

_**I know, I was done but someone asked for this so I thought I would give it a crack.**_

"Close your eyes." The voice demanded softly. "Relax and let me do the work." It was soothing as was her hands exploring his body and he took a deep breath and tried to let his mind go. It didn't take long until he was completely relaxed and he dug his fingers into her fleshy thighs and lifted her up. Her blond hair was falling across her shoulder and he brushed it away as he pulled her down for a kiss.

"You feel good." He muttered. His mind was finally free of all thoughts and he lost himself for the next hour or so.

"I love you baby." If she felt him stiffen when she spoke she didn't let on and when she fell asleep he rolled away, unable to look at the blond hair right now. He felt sick. Up until the phone calls started he was doing okay, enjoying her company and the sex was good.

He was gone before dawn the next day and she barely acknowledged him when he dropped a quick kiss on her cheek as he scuttled from her bed muttering that he was going to be late for work. He needed to go home and get his work gear, which wasn't unusual, that was his standard escape plan. Somethings never changed.

"You gonna get that?"

"Nope." He rejected the call and slipped his phone back in his pocket. They were having breakfast at a local café. Since he scuttled from her bed like a scared little boy he had avoided her, always having some excuse not to see her. It wasn't her fault, it wasn't even the first time she'd told him she loved him but it felt like a noose was tightening around his neck all of a sudden.

All week the phone calls kept coming and he was staggering under their weight.

"Someone has been calling you a lot lately." She tried to sound unbothered by it but it came out forced. "A new woman?"

He glared at her, his brown eyes darkened considerably. "No." Instantly he softened his voice when he saw the look on her face. "What makes you say that?" He had always been careful to keep his two separate lives well and truly apart. If only she knew the truth she would run a million miles. Everyone would.

One day he contemplated telling someone the truth because the burden was getting heavier with every passing day, he'd hoped by now he would have shed that old skin completely but it was always there, under the surface, clawing at him to get out.

"You seem on edge."

He peered at the blond over the top of his coffee mug. "Only because you keep going on about it."

"Block them."

"Who?"

"The person who keeps calling you but you don't want to talk to." She rolled her eyes. He was getting harder to deal with. The past few weeks had been strange. He was distant, moody or moodier than usual and would disappear for days on end and when he did message her he always vaguely told her he was busy working and tired or he was going riding.

He was always out riding his bike and she hated it, she thought they were dangerous and the only time he took her for a ride she felt he was a little reckless. The one time he convinced her to go with him he took a little too much delight in scaring her. She was pissed. Right from the start though she knew he wasn't going to give it up, it was therapeutic for him. It was how he had always dealt with his 'moments' as he called them when his past came back to haunt him. A past that she knew very little about and he was reluctant to share.

There was only so much he was willing to let out and it was the same every time he did this. Eventually he hoped that one day he'd believe it, that this fictional life he lived would become his reality. Until then he told the same story, lived the same life like it was groundhog day. It was carefully cultivated to prevent people learning the truth but some days the cracks just started to appear out of nowhere.

Apparently losing his parents had affected him deeply, it was true he did miss his parents it was just that he lived the life of an orphan from a young age. When the reality was that he wasn't an orphan, not that he knew anyway and certainly he didn't grow up an orphan but now he may as well have. He felt rudderless, even his shit childhood where his parents hated each other was better than this nothingness. He never let go of the feeling of betrayal he felt when he talked about how his parents were dead.

This crack didn't feel like a hairline fracture though, this was more like a bloody canyon. It unsettled him and for the first time in years he didn't feel confident that he knew how to deal with it. The first time it happened he found himself in a deep hole of depression but it got easier. This time though he felt it wasn't going to be easy and that freaked him out.

She wanted to help him and be supportive and up until recently he seemed to like that, but lately he'd been difficult. Not that they had been dating long, just a few months and she knew she was much more into him than he was into her but that didn't stop her. She liked him, he was a wounded animal and for some reason she liked them. She liked trying to fix people, it hadn't worked well for her in the past but that didn't stop her. He was a little wild and mysterious when they met, kind of untamed and she felt that she was going to be the one to tame him. Initially he responded to her patience and gentle attention but when she started to demand more of him, want more from him he baulked and lately he barely looked like he knew how to even sit still. He used to tell her wild stories from his travels but in the past few weeks he had crawled into his shell a little. He'd get rolling drunk and wanted to party until he fell over, like he had a death wish and it unsettled her and when she told him that he just laughed in her face and ordered another drink.

"I like the calls, it makes me feel loved." Cocking his head to the side he gave her his trademark lopsided grin. Some things never changed.

"I can do that." Running her hand over his thigh it took all his strength not to flinch. He didn't love her, he liked her but he just couldn't let himself fall in love. It was too dangerous.

He felt it; it was creeping up on him again. That urge to flee. Every time he did it he promised himself it would be the last time, this time he would settle down and then he bolted. He was trying hard this time but the phone calls were getting to him, they were incessant and something was telling him it wasn't just a usual check in. It felt more and he wasn't sure he was ready to hear what they had to say. So he tried to block them out, with alcohol and it wasn't working.

It was strange, he was desperate to shed his past and in months in between when he heard nothing he felt good and then he'd have his meeting and he felt alive again for a few days, he felt like he could be him and stop pretending and then he'd crash and burn for a few weeks and one day just dust himself off and get on with it.

His routine had been thrown off and he didn't know how to cope with that. The only thing that made this nightmare tolerable was the pattern and consistency of his yearly check in and the process he went through to deal with it and get on with his life.

"Oh." Amy squealed when her phone beeped and it pulled him out of his headspace. "Anna has had the baby. Oh it's a girl, so beautiful. Look." She showed him the photo and he forced himself to smile. Anna was Amy's sister and it was her second baby. Her and her partner also had a three year old boy, Bobby and he was basically a brat.

"Looks a little weird."

"It's not weird, she's just been born." Amy looked at the photo again. Her biological clock was ticking and initially she thought the guy sitting opposite her might be her guy but the last few weeks had changed her mind. She had fallen hard, he was handsome, he was fun and loved a drink and a good night out. His carefree attitude was attractive in the beginning, then it started to become a drain. "I can't wait to meet her."

He could think of nothing worse, he had made it quite clear, each and every time that he was not interested in having children. He was pedantic about it. There was no way he could consciously bring a child into a world when he wasn't even sure he belonged here. He wasn't real, how could he have a child and teach them to be good honest people when his whole existence was based on a lie.

Being a complete asshole wasn't who he was either so he agreed to go with Amy to meet her niece. She was besotted from the moment she held her. "Do you want a cuddle?" she cooed offering the tiny bundle to him.

"No thanks. I don't do babies."

"All men say that until they have their own and then they are just all gaga." Anna teased him but she could see the look on her sister's face. As much as she had tried to like this guy she just couldn't, he was going to break her sister's heart and by the tension in the room seems like he already was.

"Well I won't have to ever worry about that."

"Why did you say that?" Amy was pissed with him as the left the hospital. He reached for her hand and she pulled it away. "You've made it very clear you don't like kids, can't you just pretend that they are not carriers of the bubonic plague though. You can't catch being a parent from them."

She was watching him and waited for him to say something but he just rolled his eyes.

"Why is it? What happened to you to make you so fucking bitter?"

"Life happened."


	2. A Hard Man to Track Down

He slowed to a walk as he approached his bike and he felt his hackles rise. When the younger man spoke he felt his hand twitch involuntarily. "You are a hard man to track down?" His unwelcome visitor did not even give him a chance to speak.

He was even more pissed that he showed no sign of moving out of his way or neither did he bother to look up from the phone in his hand. "Isn't that the fucking point?" He growled as he flicked his hand to indicate he should move. It pissed him off even more when he just kept ignoring him.

All his nerves were tingling. He had tried to avoid him and figured if he ignored his calls for long enough he'd go away. No such luck. It had got under his skin and he knew he was becoming a bit of a dick. His bad mood was pretty much permanent at the moment and Amy had commented on it. Then he had a couple of days with no calls and he thought he was in the clear and now here he was leaning on his bike and just the sight of him set everyone of his nerve endings on fire. Now, seeing him leaning against his bike it was like a switch had been flipped and he wasn't just a dick he was a fucking asshole.

"Want to move your fucking ass?"

The object of his frustration just looked up from his phone and folded his arms across his chest in defiance. He knew precisely how to deal with this guy; it was never a welcomed reunion. They did this back and forth angry dance for a while. The first time he met him he actually told him he was an arrogant prick who probably deserved every thing that was coming to him and he was lucky that he didn't get a fist to the face. "You not answering your phone now?" One thing he did know was that while he was an angry fucker he was never known to be violent.

"What do you want? It's only been three months, I'm not due to see your fucking ugly face for another nine months."

"Wow, so angry." He smirked. "Whatever. I need to talk to you."

"What for? Are you going to tell me it's time to move on again, that I am looking too happy?"

"Pfft, like you are ever happy you miserable flog."

He just ignored him. "Or you going to tell me that it's time to die again? Haven't you guys fucked me over enough?"

"Okay, enough tough guy. You wanna do this on the street or grab a coffee?"

He shrugged. "Beer." He would have preferred to go to a bar but they never met in a bar. It was always some dodgy little coffee shop in some out of the way place. Lucas just gave him and wry grin and the address of the café and took off without even giving him a backwards glance.

He jammed his helmet on his head. He did contemplate just blowing him off. It wouldn't be hard, even though he was sitting in his car watching him right now. He'd probably put a tracker on his bike anyway. No matter how long it had been he still had that small part of his brain that remembered the cop shit that for a while was second nature to him.

"So what do I owe the pleasure of this delightful Saturday morning visit?" He still had a stick up his ass when he slid into the booth, tossing his helmet on the seat.

"I missed you, you fill my heart with joy." It took them awhile to get into a civilised conversation, he had to get all his shit out first, and as strange as it was it felt comforting. He also thought that if he ever got to the point where he felt comfortable with this situation it meant that he'd finally let got of his past and he couldn't quite let go of that yet. It had only been nine years after all. He had years of misery and bitterness left in him yet.

"This punishment for you? You fuck up so they made you come see me?"

"Yep, that's exactly what this is." They waited for the waitress to bring their coffees over and leave them alone. They were up the back in a quiet corner of a grotty café; it was always sleazy dumpy little joints out of the way of any civilised people and places where no one was likely to know him. They often met out of town so the fact that he was in the same city as him had obviously unnerved him. "Anyway, things have changed a bit."

He sat back a little. When shit like this happened it usually meant he was about to be dealt some new blow and he didn't know how many more he had in him. He was at his limit. He'd had new handlers before and twice it was suggested he moved to a new city because they'd had rumblings that someone was sniffing around the case. "What now?"

"Tate Gibbs is dead."

He exhaled. "So?" he shrugged although his heart was racing.

"So that means it's done. He was the last person who had any tangible link to your case, even that was weak at best. They had bigger fish to fry than you."

"Why the fuck you telling me this now? Now what, you telling me there was no reason for all this?" He waved his hands around angrily.

"No, you'd be dead a long time ago if they still wanted to find you. Or you know…" he was a little nonchalant. "…the family would be. But you've probably been clear for a good couple of years now but we like to make sure."

"Fucking assholes, I am not surprised, you've been screwing me for so long now I've stopped caring."

"Sure you have."

He leant forward and snarled. "You should kiss me, I like to be kissed before I get fucked."

"Yeah, yeah." Lucas stared at him. His previous handler only lasted a year and he'd had Lucas now for the past four. When he asked what happened to Alex he was told he made him cry so he got the ass. "So, the deal is we no longer have the resources to keep you in witness protection, there's no need to manage you. You'll be let go."

"Let go?" He leant forward and levelled his steely gaze at the man sitting opposite him. He was younger than him, by quite a few years and this was his first job as a handler because he was considered an easier case. He was an ass to deal with but his case wasn't complicated. He liked him, he didn't take his shit, gave as good as he got and got the job done. He always came through for him when needed though but that didn't mean he was going to make it easy for him. "What the fuck does that mean?"

"Okay, here's the deal. We let you go you live as Paul Benson, do whatever you want, go where ever you want to go and we don't see you again or…" he took a deep breath. "…or same deal, we let you go but if you want you can go back to your old life again."

That knocked the wind out of him and he slumped back in the seat. It was not what he was expecting. He'd dreamed of this for years but never thought it would ever happen. He clicked his fingers. "Just like that." His laugh was a little bitter and forced.

"So I need your decision. Since you blew me off for almost a month time is ticking, we need to close this off and I have other cases to handle. They don't want to waste any more resources on this."

"How long have I got?"

Lucas looked at his watch. "I've got a plane to catch in two hours. I need your answer today."

"Fuck you."

"Make the call, either way you are on your own as of three weeks." Lucas actually felt sorry for the guy; he'd had a shit deal for a long time. He was relatively new to the game but this case seemed weak to him but he was told to keep his mouth shut, his head down and do his job. They threw him in the deep end in dealing with this guy but despite his bluff and bluster he liked the guy and could see how deeply all this shit had worn him down. He was a mess and couldn't blame him. He honestly didn't know how he was going to take this news. "There is some paperwork to complete, you get a final compensation payout and if you need new ID and shit like that it will take me a couple of weeks to organise."

"I want to go home."

"Okay Paul..." Lucas started

He did not hesitate.

"My name is Adam."

 _ **Yes, Yes, the prequel to Ghosts many of you asked about.**_


	3. Shedding your Skin

His head was spinning and not even the rush of air in his face as he increased the throttle on his bike could clear his head. Usually he thought of nothing as he rode but not today, today his head was throbbing as his mind spun off in some many different directions.

It had been instantaneous; he had told Lucas that he wanted out. He wanted to be the man he was born to be again but now it was settling over him and it didn't feel like he imagined it would. Could he do it? Did he want too? Should he let sleeping dogs lie? Did he want to know what had happened to them, to her?

The fact that the first thought that came to mind was about her was unsettling. While he never put her in his past, like he should have, too much time had passed now. Surely she'd moved on, he hoped she had and that never bothered him before, but now he didn't want to know. He was scared that she would say I never gave you a second thought. He wished he could say the same because whenever he decided it was time to pack up one life and move on he had got used to the fact that as he drove out of one town ready to start again someone else he let her infiltrate his mind again. He thought about her a lot, especially early on and she still influenced his decisions, even subconsciously.

By the time he reached his destination she was gone again. It was fleeting, comforting, painful and necessary.

His parents were different though. He often thought about them, how had they coped? He wanted to remember his time with them, his childhood and how proud they both were when he became a cop and even though he destroyed it he could still see the photo of his parents standing either side of him while he graduated. His Dad didn't love that he was in Intelligence with Voight but he knew he was happy with it so he accepted it. He was glad that he said goodbye to them, he had visited both his parents and told them he was going undercover for a while and that it was a great opportunity for him and good for his career, he never told them he was running away.

Now he wanted to know if they were they even still alive? A long time ago he resigned himself to the fact that he would never know, he couldn't know. If he looked and didn't like what he saw would he risk it all to go back? Putting them at risk, putting everyone at risk.

Every time he told people his parents were dead he felt like he was betraying them. It burned in his gut and the only good thing about that was it enabled him to carry this guilt, burden and misery that he portrayed to those who filled his life now like a second skin. At least that wasn't a lie, unlike everything else about him.

When he said his name and it sounded so unfamiliar on his tongue, like it was coming from someone else. His mouth felt thick and dry as he said it. He swallowed the bile that rose up in this throat. For so long this was what he wanted and now he had it in front of him he was scared of reaching for it.

It had been years since he had uttered his name.

There were things to do; at least that he knew how to do that and that was a little calming. It gave him a bit of a structure and purpose. Disappear, that's what he was good at. He'd had a lot of practice. By the time he had left that café he had already started formulating a list.

He had to quit work; that wasn't hard because he hated it anyway. Construction was mind numbing for him and apart from paying the bills it gave him nothing. It didn't challenge his brain like his past life did, being a cop you were thinking all the time, anticipating, acting on instinct whereas construction was a paint by numbers type job. He turned up, got it done and collected a cheque each week. He did like the people he worked with though, they had beers on a Friday, caught games together and he would hang out with some of them. He was drawn to the single ones, the ones without families so he didn't get sucked into that world. He was resigned to the fact that he would never have a family so it was like rubbing salt into the wound.

His apartment lease was on a month-to-month basis so it wouldn't take much to give notice and donate all his things to charity, clothes, furniture the lot because he didn't have much and nothing that he was attached too. He was the ultimate minimalist. He kept no mementos of where he had been and he had nothing from his past. People found it weird or intriguing that he didn't even have a photo of his parents. For someone who blamed his lot in life on his long departed parents he had no photos or memories from that time in his life when he was happy.

Over the next few days he would gradually change all his email addresses and close his bank account. Most of his money wasn't in the bank anyway; he never trusted them to keep his details private. He never had a credit card, he paid cash for everything and if he couldn't he'd do without. He knew, from past experience how easy it was to get financial details from banks or employees. It was a digital footprint that he didn't need. He had no social media accounts and tried his best to make sure he was never in photos that were posted online. He did his best to live life like a ghost. The digital age made it harder to stay hidden in plain sight.

For a while he'd make do with a burner phone. After a few months he'd get a new number but initially burner phones served a purpose. He never had a phone number for more than a year anyway and his phone was never connected to the Internet. It was a simple life and made it easier to move on.

Finally he had to break up with Amy. There were many different ways to do this and he'd pretty much done them all and none of them felt good. While he always felt alone he was rarely actually alone, he had plenty of girlfriends, all short term, a year at most but he liked the physical connection and was careful never let himself get emotionally connected. The one time that had happened it scared the crap out of him and he'd cheated on her and that felt like shit. So he tried to just disappear and that didn't feel good either so he'd just become an asshole and be a cold-hearted bastard but it still felt like shit. One time he'd cried, told her that it was him not her, that he just couldn't give her what she wanted because he was a coward. It was the closest he'd come to being honest and that left him in a hole that he struggled to get out of.

Pulling into a random bar in a random little town after riding for close to three hours he ordered a drink and then another. He just kept knocking them back.

"You're not planning on going anywhere?" The bartender asked as he poured another shot.

"Nope. Nowhere to be."

"You lost?"

"In more ways than one." Paul tapped the bar and indicated he was ready for another, he was still Paul, he had to be. If he started calling himself Adam now he'd slip up and then everything could come crumbling down. "Is there anywhere I can crash in town for a few nights?" He was meeting Lucas on Friday, so he had three days to figure it all out. Getting out of town was his first priority; he couldn't think if he was around people he knew. "You ever had to make a life changing decision?"

"Sure." He shrugged. "Whether to stay here and serve mopey bastards like you another shot or run for POTUS."

"Forget it."

Regardless of his decision, even if he chickened out and stayed Paul he was leaving again this incarnation of Paul behind. That much he knew.

The sun woke him and he squinted painfully as his head throbbed in protest. It was probably the last four shots that did it. Turning on his phone he wasn't surprised to find four messages from Amy. It wasn't fair on her, she was nice but he needed to end it so he deleted the message and didn't bother calling her back.

He was being a prick and it never felt great but this was different. He wasn't just leaving her he was leaving himself behind too. Suddenly he was worried that some of that son of a bitch personality he called Paul Benson will be so ingrained in him that he wouldn't be able to suppress him, that this was who he was now.

And then the doubts started.

Could he actually be Adam again?


	4. You Can't Help Me

"Where have you been?" Reluctantly he closed the lid of his laptop and opened the door when he couldn't ignore the banging any longer. Amy was spitting chips. He'd been gone for three days without even a message; he didn't even let her know he was back.

"I went for a ride."

"For three days? I would have liked to have known you were okay." She didn't even bother to wait to be asked in, she pushed past him and dropped her bag on the table.

"Sorry." Paul shrugged. "I needed to get away, I needed to think."

"About?"

"Us."

"Let me guess? You've met someone else?" She was paranoid and every time he even spoke to another woman she was this crazy little green-eyed monster. If he cared more about her it would have turned him off but considering he was just having some fun it didn't bother him but she was definitely paranoid and jealous. He couldn't blame her, she'd had the dirty done to her before apparently but he wasn't that type of guy. Sure he'd done it once and he hated himself, or hated the guy he was pretending to be and swore, no matter what he'd never do that again. He had to preserve some of the good man he used to be.

"No, no I haven't. There is no one else I swear, you need to stop this jealous bullshit, it's not attractive." He sighed. "I just can't do this right now, I've got stuff I need to sort out."

"What stuff? What exactly do you have to do?" She waved her hands around his sparse apartment. Amy promised herself that she wouldn't get hysterical. Being desperate wasn't likely to sway him; it usually didn't sway anyone and this whole relationship to this point had been on his terms. "It's not like you have anything to sort out."

"You've got no idea."

"Then tell me." Amy sat down on the couch and made it clear she wasn't leaving anytime soon. "I'm willing to listen. I want to help you."

"You can't help. You've got no idea."

"Stop fucking saying that. What the fuck does that mean?"

"Nothing that concerns you. Look, I'm sorry, it's been nice and I've enjoyed spending time with you but that's it, it's been fun." It was cold but it was better this way, if you left them with even a skerrick of hope there was always the risk that they could come after him, look for him and then his whole world would unravel. The risk was too great.

"You feel nothing don't you? Are you capable of feeling anything?"

"No, I don't think I am."

"I think you are but you are scared." This was a pattern that he had noticed every time he pulled the pin, well almost every time. When he broke things off there was anger and then desperation. Why did women want to fix the men in their lives? Why did they see a wounded animal and believe that they were the ones that poor soul had been waiting for to pull them out of the abyss. "We can take it one step at a time, take all the time you need just let me help?"

"No."

"Why not?"

Paul rubbed his temples; he just wanted this to be over. He had somewhere to be. "Because you can't help me, you can't do anything. I don't want your help, I don't want you to save me."

"You're an asshole, you know that?"

"Yep."

"Was your life that shit that you can't even function as a human?"

"Why are you trying to make me be someone I am not? This is who I am, I told you that at the start, that I wasn't looking for anything serious." He told them every single time in the hope that it would give them no expectations. He should have known that was just like throwing down a challenge. "I wasn't lying, I never lied to you."

"You can't keep living like this. You obviously don't like it, I can see that."

"I can do whatever I want."

"Fuck you." Amy grabbed her bag. "Enjoy your miserable life."

At the end of the day he had done what he needed to do, he had broken it off and left her with no hope of him changing his mind. He still felt like shit though. It had been a rough day, a rough few days. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and popped the top off. The first mouthful was like swallowing glass but it didn't take long until he was reaching for another.

Waking up with a start he felt like something was sitting on his chest, or perhaps someone. It had been a long time since he had dreamt about her and he was okay with that. But now his old life was suddenly invading his unconscious thoughts as well. Over the years he had learnt to control it and as time went by he dreamt about it less and less.

Suddenly though he woke…. _'Adam, Adam, where the fuck are you going.'_

He couldn't breathe or move. He was sweating, even though the room was cool enough. It felt like that first few days all over again. That horrible desperation overwhelmed him and he got up suddenly and just made it to the bathroom in time to vomit. He was shaking as he emptied the contents of his stomach and last nights drinks in the sink.

"Get a fucking grip." He muttered to himself as he rinsed out his mouth and splashed water on his face and stared at himself in the mirror. He ran his hands over his head, the spikey short hair felt like razor blades on his skin and he vowed to let it grow again, like the stubble on his chin. He had been clean shaven with a number one haircut for long enough.

When he first was flung into this life and he disappeared to France he didn't shave or cut his hair for almost a year but when he decided to come back to the states it was the first thing he did. His passport photo, courtesy of those assholes showed him with very little hair and no beard so he had to become that man again to get through customs without setting off any red flags..

Jumping in the shower he tried to just focus on the water streaming over him and for a while it worked, he thought of nothing. Training his mind had taken him a long time and that year overseas was the best thing he did considering the position he was in. He could fuck up, let his old self slip out and no-one cared so that by the time he came back he had buried Adam as deep as he possibly could. He could never really let him go completely though, and that was his problem.

Pulling his new identification out of his wallet his breath caught in his throat. When Lucas had slid his license across the table he was almost too scared to reach for it in case he snatched it away and told him it was all some big joke. April Fools. Now he couldn't stop looking at it.

He sat and stared at it. "So that's it huh?" The words were barely audible.

"This is what you wanted right?" Lucas wasn't a complete ass he could see how traumatic this was for the guy sitting opposite him. "Adam." It was the first time someone had called him Adam in such a long time.

"Huh?" He looked up suddenly. "What?"

"It's not too late to change your mind, if you want to leave Adam in the past you can."

"No, no. I can't do that. It's just a little strange that's all. I never thought I'd see him again. I looked in the mirror the other day and tried to see Adam but all I see is Paul. That's fucked right?"

"I don't know. It'd be tough that's for sure." Lucas leant forward and for the first time he touched his arm. Up until this point their relationship had been purely professional and it always bordered on hate and was full of distrust but now things had changed and this guy was the only 'friend' he had. "You've suffered enough, I have always seen the other man in you trying to get out, let him out."

"I am scared I can't do it." He picked up the license and turned it over in his hand. "I'm scared. I have nightmares about it."

"I don't know much about Adam, but I think I know a little bit about you and I have a feeling that while it will be tough that if anyone can do this, it's you. You have that son-of-a-bitch streak in you that doesn't let anything beat you."

"You have no idea, I am in this position because I let something beat me."

"A woman?"

Adam just glared at him and Lucas sat back a little. He'd obviously hit the nail on the head; he knew why he was in witness protection. It was in his file that he had chosen to protect his family and loved ones but what that file never told him and this man sitting opposite never mentioned was the reason why he took that undercover job in the first place. "Don't fucking talk to me."

Sitting with his ID was his new phone and a phone number. He picked them both up and then suddenly dropped them back on the table and turned and walked out of his apartment.

And as unfamiliar as Paul Benson had been all those years ago, Adam Ruzek felt just as foreign.


	5. A Life Lived Alone

The number was taunting him. He'd had it almost three weeks and still didn't know what to do. Or more to the point he didn't know what to say.

The past few weeks had been a major head fuck. After finalising everything he started the lonely trek back to his old life. He packed very little into a bag and strapped it to the back of his new bike and just left.

Lucas came through again. Every time he up rooted himself he got rid of everything that was linked to him and started afresh. Even his clothes were new, he couldn't explain why he did it but he had too, it was like the old clothes were dragging him down or back. This time the bike was registered in his real name and that had freaked him out the first time he saw his license, registration and insurance. He also given him cash to get him settled again, $15K along with the phone number he had asked for. The only one he wanted.

And he took off, towards home, or the place he always considered home. It felt strange because he had avoided that place for years and he even avoided anyone who said they were from Chicago. Besides the phone number the only thing he had wanted to know was if his parents were still alive. That was his only question, that's all he could cope with. This wasn't like every other time he started again, well since this nightmare started anyway, he just started being Paul again in another city or country.

This time he was becoming a whole new man again and he worried he couldn't remember how to be him.

And that was seriously fucking with his mind.

The two-week trip across the country gave him time to think and several times he seriously considered pulling the pin but he wasn't a quitter. If he were a quitter he would have checked out years ago. At the very least he needed to face the music and apologise for the pain he caused so he could finally put it all behind him. The problem with that was he had no idea if he caused any pain, perhaps no-one missed him, surely his parents did but maybe no-one else gave him another thought. That was the stuff of nightmares and he had them regularly.

That was another thing that was weighing him down, he'd woken unable to breath more nights than he cared to remember when he dreamed that he walked into Molly's and no-one recognised him. He was left standing in the middle of the bar yelling his name and every single person got up and walked out or he was arrested for impersonating a police officer or worse still people laughed at him.

The ever changing landscape as he rode across the country gave him something else to contemplate. How nothing ever stayed the same for very long. Life was a constant state of flux, seasons came and went, the sun rose and set everyday. It rained for days on end and then the sun came out. Plants died and were frozen over with snow and ice and then spring happened and they would bloom again.

For years he had avoided those really bone chilling cold winters. They sent him into a spiralling depression, the short, dark, cold days and long freezing nights were monotonous and if he had any say in his life now it was that he didn't need to do those long miserable winters anymore.

Except now he was heading back to the place where long cold winters were a given. I guess that depended on how long he stayed.

There was one person he thought about, someone that he wanted to say goodbye to but he wasn't sure he could stop himself from telling her the truth. He missed her, his only real friend, the only person who saw a little bit of the man he really was. He had told Lola about her and how much he loved her and how he fucked it all up. She had told him off, told him to suck it up and be a man. What he couldn't tell her was the real reason he couldn't fix it. Now he had the chance and perhaps he should let her in on his secret but he chickened out.

The reality of it was he didn't want to see the disappointment in Lola's eyes when she found out he had been lying to her all along. Paul may not have cared about many people but he cared about Lola. Adam needed to let her believe in Paul, he needed to have one person from that part of his life who didn't hate him. One person had to miss Paul and he decided that Lola was going to be that person.

The doubts were overwhelming at times; did people miss him? Was he quickly forgotten and his plaque on the wall, if it even made it there, was it tarnished, covered in cobwebs and no-one stopped to give it a second glance any more? Did anyone go to his funeral? That was a serious spin out and he had often thought about it, who would be there? His team? The district? His parents? Old school friends, did they have a few drinks at Molly's afterwards and then just move on with their lives? Did anyone try and get to the bottom of what went down? Did anyone care?

His hands were shaking and he'd knocked back a shot of bourbon to settle his nerves, it didn't work. When the call connected and started ringing he almost hung up but it was answered quicker than he thought. Pressing the call button was like pressing a button to detonate the bomb that was going to destroy his life. Once he did that his life in one regard was over and there was no going back. Once someone knew that Adam was alive, Paul was dead and he was on his own again. If he didn't believe him then he had nothing. There was no point.

 _"Olinsky."_ He almost vomited when he heard that voice, he knew it was the right number and he knew his life was about to change in the most violent of ways.

"Bet you never thought you'd hear my voice again?" His voice shook a little and he did wonder if, among other things his voice had changed over the years.

'Who is this?"

"Al, it's me." He paused, the name still sounded unfamiliar on his tongue after years of being known as Paul Benson. "Adam, it's Adam Ruzek."

"Bullshit. Who is this?"

"O, it's me. I swear. The young guy you pulled out of the academy almost fourteen years ago."

"Ruzek's dead."

"He was, but he lives again."

"What the fuck?"

"Witness Protection. FEDS UC case that went sideways nine years ago. I am guessing you wept over my coffin, had a beer or two in my name, gave my desk away and forgot all about me." The laugh was forced. He knew Al was going to be sceptical but he had to convince him. If he couldn't convince him he had no idea how he was going to manage the rest. "I hope at least you and Voight gave the FEDS some shit over that?"

"Are you fucking with me?"

"No Al, I'm not."

"You know, this isn't even slightly amusing. This hurt a lot of people, whoever the fuck you are this isn't a joke." Al wasn't messing around. "You've playing with the wrong people if you think this is gonna wash?"

"Al, please just listen to me. I swear to god it's me. Ask me anything?" Adam was desperate to get him to listen; everything was hanging on this call. His whole life could be over if this didn't work. He was hanging by a thread, his whole existence depended on this call and he felt the weight of it pulling him under. He felt like he was drowning.

"Anything?"

"Well anything that happened more than nine years ago. I'm a bit hazy on the details of what's gone on since I became a crispy critter." The silence was longer than he hoped and he almost asked Al if he was still there, he wouldn't blame him for hanging up on him. He kind of expected it, but he'd keep ringing everyday if he had too, at least that's what he told himself. In all honesty he was sure if this phone call went badly that he wouldn't just walk away from it all.

"When Lexi left, what did you say to me?"

"That I felt you were more of a father to me right now than my own dad and that no-one believed in me as much you did and then one night you turned up and we smashed out a couple of bottles of awesome red and ended up singing Sweet Caroline on top of my coffee table until three in the morning."

"Sienna, how'd she die?"

"Pushed out a window. Man it was cold that night and you had just spent days smoking joints in the back of a van." That was a case that Adam had struggled to deal with the fallout, he felt guilty that he wasn't able to prevent a young girls tragic death. He felt guilty for lying to her about his true identity, he felt guilty that he used her innocence as a means to an end. It was his first look into how undercover work could impact unsuspecting people in devastating ways.

"Roman?"

"Fucking prick who screwed with people, loved fucking anything without a dick, although that was unproven, I wouldn't be surprised if he swung both ways. Hated you if I recall."

"And you too."

"Can we move on?" He didn't want to talk about that son-of-a-bitch. "I don't want to waste time talking about Tic-tac dick."

Al fired off question after question and he answered them all about old cases, and even Nadia's murder. He even navigated Al trying to catch him out and called him on his shit. He asked about a case that he knew nothing about. "If I answer your bullshit question are you going to hang up? That either didn't happen at all or after I left, I am guessing after I left."

"Where are you?"

"Detroit."

"Send me your address. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Al." his voice shook. He wasn't sure he was ready for this. It was too fast.

"Hey Kid, I'll see you tomorrow." In that moment he knew that Al believed him, he knew he was about to come home and as soon as he hung up the tears flowed.

Sleep didn't come, at all. He tossed and turned all night until he finally gave up and went out for a run. For such a long time now running was an outlet for him, especially early on because when he ran he was free from everything, his past, his present and his future. He could tune it all out, the constant noise in his head and focus on the beating of his heart and the in and out motion of the air in his lungs. He'd run until his legs hurt and his chest burnt. It was 3am, the streets were quite and unfamiliar and he tried to remember his way home. Eventually making his way back to his apartment he took a long hot shower.

Eating was out of the question. This felt like that one day all those years ago, his first day of his new life. Overwhelming, crushing, confusing and devastating. All the emotions had swirled through him that day, including angry. He was so fucking angry and even now he felt a little bit of that anger bubbling away. He shouldn't have to prove himself to someone who knew him better than most, well at least he used too.

He downed coffee after coffee as the numbers on the clock seemed to stand still.

When he heard the knock on the door he almost stopped breathing. While he had never forgotten what Al looked like he didn't know what to expect. He was older, balder and his moustache was almost completely white.

"Hey O." It was a little surreal for both of them and the seconds ticked by. Al could sense his confusion, his anxiety and his reticence.

Al took a breath and held out his hand and when his former partner reached for it he pulled him in for a hug. "Can I say what the fuck?"

"Yep you can." He nodded a little. "You look good old man. Not a day older or wiser."

They both laughed, a little uncomfortably. "Now I know it's you."

"Do you want to come in?" Adam stood aside and he gripped the door tightly. "Or we could go out for a coffee or something."

"Nah, this is fine." He stepped inside the small self-contained apartment. He had rented it short term just until he knew what his next steps were. He couldn't stay in a hotel room, he'd done that as he made his way home and they had always made him feel claustrophobic.

"This is a little…" Al shrugged. "…surreal." He looked around the apartment and it was spotless. The only thing that he noticed was a bunch of files on the kitchen table, stacked neatly. He got the feeling that those files contained the whole story, a story that they tried to get to the bottom of a long time ago. "You okay?"

"I'm…" Adam walked into the kitchen and made them both a coffee; he didn't even ask if Al wanted one. "…I don't know. This hasn't really hit me yet. I keep waiting to wake up and find out this is some sick joke, or for someone to tap me on the shoulder and say just kidding."

"What the fuck happened?"

He bought the coffee through and put in on the table in front of Al and sat down heavily. "Someone ratted me out, I had two choices, die or my family would."

"Who?"

"I don't know Al." he pushed the files across the table. "If you can figure it out go ahead. I can't read these again."

"Why now?"

"I guess there is no one left who was involved in that case and the FEDS are kind of sick of dealing with me so here I am..." He held out his hands. "…this strange nobody, cut loose. I had no idea where else to go."

"I'm glad you came here." Al reached across the table and squeezed his shaking hand. "I'm glad you called me."

"All I know is that my parent's are still alive." He pulled his hand away and pressed them over his eyes but it didn't stop the tears. "I didn't know what else to do. I don't know what to do."

Al leapt out of his chair and wrapped his arms around the distraught man. His eyes weren't exactly dry either and his voice wobbled a little. "Hey, I've got you."

"I don't have anyone, I have nothing. I'm nobody."

Al didn't know what to say so he said the one word he thought he needed to hear.

"Adam."


	6. Day One

He now had someone, he had one person in this world that knew him, knew that he was alive, knew that he existed and it felt strange. On one hand a huge weight had lifted off his shoulders, but on the other it seemed to have settled on his chest and he found it hard to breathe.

"Just relax." Al had told him eventually when he noticed that he was starting to hyperventilate. "It's okay. We'll work this out, one day at a time."

Al had asked him what his plans were, what did he want to happen now. While had thought of nothing else for weeks he was going around and around in circles and it was leaving him exhausted.

"I don't know. I can't do this by myself, I thought I could that I could just walk into the District one day and say 'surprise motherfucker'." He had always been a Dexter fan and had made Al watch it when they were living together briefly, while that show went to shit pretty early on he loved that line more than anything. "I don't think that's a good idea though."

"Probably not."

Stalking around the small apartment he seemed lost and Al just sat back and watched him, trying to figure out what was going on in his head. Whatever it was, it wasn't good. "Can you tell Kim?" He spoke again eventually. They had talked about everyone in the team and Al had told her that she was married. He was relieved to know it wasn't to Roman; that would have been like being kicked in the nuts and probably would have changed the whole course of events he had plotted out. Whether it was rational or not he blamed Roman for just about everything. If he hadn't white-anted his engagement none of this would have happened.

He ran because he couldn't be around her and not actually be with her. She wasn't offering him any hope and he didn't have the guts to tell her what he wanted for fear of being rejected again, like she had done too many times to count, so he ran. He never would have had to if Roman had kept his mouth shut and his dick to himself. Completely irrational but when you've had almost ten years to stew over it and living the life as another man, a man he didn't want to be he felt he was entitled to be irrational.

"You know she's done good."

"Is she happy?"

"She's okay."

"But not happy?" He had no idea why he asked that, it was really none of his business but he didn't want to cause problems for her either. That was assuming she would even see him; maybe she hated him? Obviously she didn't still pine for him, like he thought about her. Why would she? She made it pretty obvious that she was not interested in him a long time ago. Not that he wanted her or anyone to still be weeping over him. That was a fool's game and the only fool in this horror story was him.

They went out and grabbed some lunch and a beer.

"So what now?"

"I don't know. I want to see my parents, I hate that I caused them all this grief. I feel like I betrayed them, every time I told people that I was orphaned at a young age I felt like the world's biggest asshole. I wouldn't blame them if they told me to fuck off. But I need to apologise to everyone for all this pain, I know that much and if they tell me to leave I will go."

"This is not your fault, no-one if going to blame you." Al was just watching him and Adam felt the intensity peeling off him. He was always the one to sit back and watch what was going on and he'd only speak if he had something to say. It could be uncomfortable until you understood Al, he was never one who felt the need to fill a silence with words and he'd taught Adam that over those few years they'd been partners. "They will be happy to see you again, once the shock wears off of course."

In the beginning Adam was always wanted to talk or make Al talk, impart his wisdom or show him something that would encourage him. He drove Al insane until the penny dropped. He didn't talk a lot but when he did, you listened.

"Doesn't matter whose fault it was, I caused this."

"No you didn't."

"I was gutless and selfish, I ran away."

"Form what? Keeping the people you loved safe even though it meant destroying your own life. That's not selfish, it's selfless."

"I was selfish." Al probably didn't understand it wasn't the choice he made the day his life or death was laid before him but the choice he made to run away from his feelings weeks earlier and Adam didn't want to tell him either. He didn't want to appear weak. He didn't want him to think it was a woman that bought him to his knees. Al warned him to get his head in the game, stop chasing tail and decide if he wanted to be a good cop or not. He was pissed at the time because he didn't think you should have to choose between being happy in your personal life and being good at your job, that was old school thinking. Yet at the end of the day, he ran because of his personal life and ruined his and everyone else's life in the process and the kicker always was that he was neither happy in life, personally or professionally. Building shit was not a profession; it was a job, and a means to an end and something he could pick up every time he bolted without any one questioning him.

On construction sites, you did your job, made friends, had a few beers with them at the end of the day and went home. It didn't matter what town you were doing that in.

"Nah, I call bullshit."

"I could have let them kill me."

"And then you wouldn't be sitting here with the chance to make this right."

"Nothing can make this right."

"I get that you are scared, hell probably confused as all shit, so am I to be honest but I will tell you something…" He had to get Adam to understand the need for him to come home and face his past; he just wished he could have told the real reason why. "…a lot of people never put this behind them, we all carry a bit of the burden of that case. I don't care if in a week's time or a month you decide that you can't stay in Chicago but you need to at least let your parents know you are alive, because I can tell you, as parents they have never stop grieving for you. You owe them that."

"And if I leave again, how will that make them feel? Maybe it's better this way."

"Don't you dare put that burden on me."

Al was right, it was unfair to drag him into this and ask him to keep it a secret because he was too scared to face up to what he'd done.

"Did you tell Voight?"

"No. I told him I was coming up to Detroit to talk to someone about the case. He didn't ask questions."

"Because you didn't believe me?"

"Yep, pretty much."

"And now?"

"Well I know it's you, that much I've figured out now I just need to figure out if you are telling the truth." It was brutal; it hit him between the eyes. He thought the biggest hurdle would be getting Al to believe it was him, not getting him to believe his story.

His eyes were hard and he could feel that man he was trying to repress bubbling away beneath the surface. "Fuck you Al. You've got a fucking cheek sitting here calling bullshit, after all the shit you've done."

"What do you expect?" Al didn't flinch, but he saw something that made him a little nervous. Yep, this was Adam, he could feel that but he was burying a shit load of anger and hurt and he worried how long that could stay beneath the surface. There were people who didn't need to see it. He knew he had to slow this train down a little, pump the brakes until he was sure everyone, including Adam could handle the truth coming out.

"I don't know." He shook his head and swallowed the rest of his beer in one mouthful to wash away his disgust that Paul Benson showed his ugly face again. "I guess I never thought I'd have to prove that I wasn't lying. I know getting you to believe it was me would be tough but I just assumed you'd believe me when I told you the whole story. I've never lied to you."

"No? You still haven't told me why you left."

"I left because it was good for my career."

"And?"

"Because I was in love with someone who didn't love me and hurt me and didn't care." He spat out.

"And now?"

"I need to move on. I need to close that chapter and move on. I need to come home and apologise. It's the only hope I've got that I can finally live a life I am happy with. I haven't been happy for more than ten years. I don't know if I ever will be but I need to try because I can't do this anymore." He slapped his chest angrily. "I can't be fucking nobody anymore. It's killing me."

Even when Al left he didn't feel so alone anymore. He had one person in the world he knew he was alive, well knew he was alive and cared.

He took the files with him and Adam was glad to see the back of them. If he never saw them again he'd be happy. He told Al to burn the fucking things if he wanted too but Al was never going to burn them. He'd hang onto them because he had the feeling that sometime down the track Adam might need them. If he felt that this chapter was finally over, Al knew different. These things were never really over.

This was only the beginning.


	7. Scotch

Voight handed him the glass of scotch and watched his oldest friend struggling with the weight of the world on his shoulders. He had turned up unexpectedly although he knew that he had been in Detroit and he assumed that was the reason of the late night visit. The last time he looked this tortured though was when they sat and drunk a bottle of the same scotch when Adam died. That detail wasn't lost on Voight, it was the small things with Al but they meant more than words.

"Are you going to tell me what this is in aid of?" He held up the glass. "What was in Detroit?"

Al leant forward, resting his elbows on his knees and rolled the glass between his hands. "Adam Ruzek was in Detroit."

Voight exhaled and sat back a little in his chair. "Are you kidding me?" It was the last thing he expected, even when Al had asked about the case and that he'd had a call about it he never in a million years expected him to tell him that Adam Ruzek was alive. That thought never entered his head.

"No, no I am not. I spent yesterday with Adam Ruzek." With that glass now empty he held it out for Voight to fill again. Tomorrow would be ugly but he'd deal with that later. "You always knew something was up with that case."

It was true; Voight never let that case go. Even when he retired he admitted that the only regret he had was that he never found out the real reason Adam Ruzek was no longer in this world. He was never able to give closure to his parents or his family and friends and that ate away at him. "I did, didn't expect this though."

"Nope." Al was quiet as he finished another glass. "And now I need to tell Kim and his parents."

"Does he know?" Adam being alive was going to change a lot of things; people would never be the same. This wasn't just throwing a pebble in a pond and watching the ripples, this was throwing a whole goddamn boulder in. He wasn't sure anyone was ready for that. Hell, he hadn't been ready for it.

"Nope. That's not my news to tell."

"What's the plan?"

Al shrugged. "I need to sit on it for a bit, think about it."

"Of course you do?" Voight wasn't surprised by Al's response. It had always been this way Voight jumped in with both feet and reacted whereas Al was always more considered. The pace he did some things annoyed him no end at times but he was the only guy who could make Hank take a breath and let the sting come out of things before he did more harm than good. It was probably why they worked so well with each other, they were Yin and Yang and when Al retired Voight really struggled to let him go and often went to him for advice and while Al wasn't a cop anymore he still filled that role in Hank's life. He was his anchor. "You don't believe it's him?"

"No, no I do. It's Adam Ruzek alright." He removed his hat and ran his hands through his hair. He hadn't slept for two days. The first night he kept running through all the possible reasons why this random guy had called him after almost ten years claiming to be his long lost partner and last night he kept thinking about how he could possibly explain what that he'd just spent the day with Adam Ruzek to anyone.

"But?"

"Nothing adds up. Where the fuck has he been? Why the hell didn't he contact anyone? What the fuck happened?" Al was processing, he knew Adam was telling the truth but he wanted to verbalise things. He wanted someone else to tell him he wasn't being played. Al had offered to come back and bring Voight with him but Adam refused. He wasn't ready to see anyone else yet.

"He didn't tell you?"

"No he did. I've got his files." Al nodded at the bag he left at the door. "It's just.." he struggled to find the words. "…this is the stuff of movies or some shit TV show, this can't happen. How does someone disappear for nearly ten years? He knows nothing or more to the point he didn't want to know anything, not yet. He knows his parents are alive and that's it. It's piece by piece for him at the moment because that is all he is capable of dealing with. What did they do to him to make him so scared, so terrified that he walked away from everything and everyone without a backwards glance, without, at any stage over the past decade making the slightest effort to find out what had happened to the people he left behind?"

"Did he say why?"

"Yep, they told him that his family was being watched and that if he made contact with him or if anyone figured out he was alive they'd be dead. They threatened him, they had photos of them under surveillance and he knew what that group he was in with did to people. He didn't elaborate but I gather it is pretty ugly stuff, it had to be to throw it all away."

"His parents?"

"And Kim." Al shook his head. "Turns out that in all likelihood the Feds took those photos to get him to play along and be nice."

Voight was trying to get his head around this. He was where Al was two days ago. "He got played and shafted?"

"Maybe." Al wanted to look into things. He told Adam he would call him in a couple of days. He wanted to read the files, talk to Voight and make some calls. He needed to digest it all and satisfy himself that he had no choice and that he wasn't just a coward or gutless, that he didn't fuck up and was now trying to defend himself or cover his own ass.

 _'Don't fuck this up Al.' Adam had panicked._

Al jumped up and grabbed the bag and they both sat there for hours and trawled through the files, dissecting Adam's notes that he had hastily added when questions and thoughts came to mind as he read them himself. He told Al that the first time he saw them was the day they cut him loose.

They commented occasionally and made their own notes. They methodically went through them, well as methodical as you could be with half a bottle of scotch in your system. The first thoughts that come to mind were jotted down to be followed up later and despite the gravity of the situation they found themselves in it felt good to be back working a case. Those things were always in your blood. They spent a few hours reading through every single page. "This sounds like someone fucked up big time and they've spent the past nine years covering their asses." Voight sat back when he closed the last file.

"It does, doesn't it? He swears he was fucked over." Al mind was spinning. "They even told him that it was pretty much pointless keeping him in witness protection for the past two years but they did anyway to cover their own asses. He's pretty fucking bitter."

Voight held up a file he was currently reading. "He's got every right to be."

Al was surprised that Voight was quick to dismiss any other explanation for the past nine years. "You believe him?"

"You don't?"

"I did, I want to."

"Al, you know Ruzek better than almost anybody. You think he's capable of this? All these lies, putting his family through all this?" Voight couldn't believe it, he had more faith in the guy than Al seemed to and that shocked him. "For ten years?

"I knew Ruzek, I knew him ten years ago."

"Okay? So this guy you knew ten years ago, you think was capable of that? Of being so spiteful, cruel and dishonest? For being a complete and utter bastard to his parents for so long, to Kim?"

"No, no I don't." Al wanted to believe him; he had no reason not too. He also had seen him, seen his torture, his pain and heartache etched all over his face. He saw almost ten years of the burden of a life he didn't want to live or remember weighing him down, his nervousness, his desperation and he caught a glimpse of the man he never wanted to be peeking through. It was confronting and he worried what his reappearance after all this time would do to the people he left behind to grieve over him. They may hate him and he worried about that and what he would do if single person turned his back on him for what he'd done.

"Let me make some calls tomorrow. I've still got some contacts and now that I've read these…" he tapped the files. "…they can't wriggle off the hook this time."

When all this shit went down Voight was obsessed with figuring out what happened. They were relentless and got stonewalled at every opportunity. They jumped in boots and all and demanded to take over the case to find the person responsible and were told to back off by both the Feds and CPD brass. It didn't stop Voight though; he pissed people off left, right and centre. He owed it to his parents and his family to find out what happened. Nothing had diminished that over the years and once every year or so he would pick it up and take another run at it. If they were quiet he would pull it out and read it again, looking for that little crumb that would lead them to find out the truth because no matter what they were told, the shit they were told at the time wasn't the truth.

"You think they will suddenly spill the beans? After all this time?"

"Why not? They have cut him loose, they've got to know he will talk."

"I don't know if he will, he wants to forget it all. He's pretty screwed up. I am not sure he's really thought this through. He may not stick around."

"What you mean?"

"He's scared, he's terrified and while I know he never expected people not to move on I don't think he's ready to see that people did. If you know what I mean? I think he's hoping that this has been some kind of time warp, that he'll walk back in and just pick up where he left off." Al was trying just to speak without thinking too much; his thoughts were unfiltered. "I think he expects everyone will be happy to see him and welcome him back with open arms."

"He said that?"

"No, he's says the complete opposite but why do you think he's so keen to come back. He said that when he was given the choice to stay as this Paul guy or become Adam again he didn't hesitate and I think it's because he thinks everyone has been waiting for him like he has been waiting to start living again. He just hung onto his past."

"You're talking in circles Al."

"He's still in love with her." He finally spat it out. Throughout the whole day with Adam yesterday one thing was patently obvious. He was still in love with Kim. "Maybe just the memory of her, I don't know but he's desperate to see her."

"Where is she at?"

"Struggling with a crumbling marriage. This might be too much for her." Al scratched his chin. "I am not sure she's going to be ready to see her ghost."

"Nothing we can do about that."

"I am still not sure he will ever step foot back in Chicago."

"His parents? You going to tell them?"

"Not yet. Adam doesn't want them to know yet. He's got some very specific requests. It's gotta be done his way and if it goes skew whiff he'll bolt." Al drained the last of his scotch. "I still think he'll disappear again."

"No he won't." Voight was adamant. Once he came back he'd stay. "You need to bring him back home."


	8. Love You Kid

"Hey Al." Adam had been surprised by the knock on the door. No one knocked on his door anymore, pretty much because no one knew he was alive and he wasn't expecting him until much later and it was barely 9am. When he called to say he was heading back up to see him it had made him panic at little and he didn't cope well with the anxiety. Al had told him that he had gone over his files, talked to Voight and they had made some calls.

He knew his story back to front but what if those calls they made had shown up something different? What if those people had continued to screw him over to cover their asses? What if they threw him under the bus again?

"You are still here?"

"I am. Where did you think I would be?" He had another two days of growth on his face and it was as itchy as all shit.

"Don't know." He shrugged. "Back wherever you came from."

"You seem happy to see me today?" Adam grumbled as he let him in. "Am I that much of a burden?"

"Yes, yes you are, always have been."

For Al it had been a rough few days, compared to Adam it was probably a walk in the park but that didn't mean it was easy for Al either. It had consequences that he didn't expect.

Al had looked at his phone when it beeped with a message and his heart sank. "Hey Al, can I come see you today?" His head had been so scrambled that he just didn't anticipate having to deal with something like this. He wanted to ignore it but that wasn't fair, he didn't deserve to be dragged into this just yet. Life had been tough lately and Al swore he'd always be there for him and right now that was more important than ever. Fulfilling that promise at the moment though was tougher than he anticipated, the only thing that made this remotely tolerable was that in the end he hoped things would get better, for everyone.

"Sorry Bud, I'm heading out of town for a day or so." It wasn't a lie but he felt like he was living one. "How about I come to your game on the weekend?" He had no idea why he promised that. It was the last thing he felt like doing at the moment and that sucked because he loved going to the games.

"We've got a bye this weekend. I am going to Jax's party, it's a sleepover."

"Okay, maybe next weekend then. Have fun at the party. Love you Kid."

"Love you too Al."

Adam threw himself down on the couch. Two days ago this place was spotless and now it looked like a bomb had gone off.

"What the fuck happened here?" Al found some place to sit and pushed a few beer bottles aside and put his feet up on the table. "Wanna clean this fucking place up?"

"Yeah, sure. I'll get right on it."

"Okay." He breathed out between clenched teeth. "What's crawled up your ass today?"

"Oh you know. I'm sitting here and no one in the whole fucking world knows I'm alive or probably gives two fucks." Al was expecting him to be a little anxious but he was surprised by the anger and bitterness. "I'd be better off dead."

"Yeah? Then why aren't you?"

"Because I am a coward I guess." He shrugged. "Want a beer?"

"It's 9am."

"Scotch then? Bourbon?"

"Get your fucking shit together Adam."

He glared at him for a minute and Al was surprised his eyes looked so cold and dead and he had to admit it scared him a little. Not so much for his own safety but how in the hell could he throw everyone else into the Lion's den? Adam needed to sort himself out and figure if he wanted what sort of person he wanted to be now or more precisely who he wanted to be. "So? You've spent the past few days trying to figure out that I am lying? What's your verdict?"

"What do you think? Why do you think I am here putting up with your shit?"

"I'm just trying to put my life back together, I need to know if you are going to help me or not?"

Al leant forward; he rested his elbows on his knees and clasped his hands together. "Adam, you need to come home. There are people who will want to help you. I want to help you."

They talked about the case and Al was stunned when Adam just started sobbing. He was all over the shop; he didn't know how to control all these emotions that just kept washing over him. Al knelt down in front of him and he held him as he cried. "This is killing me Al."

"Hey Kid, picking up the phone was the hardest part. It's the hardest thing you will ever do. I'm so happy you called me; I am not going anywhere. For as long as this takes I'm going do it with you."

"I want this to be over. I need it to be over. I want to come home."

Al grabbed both sides of his face and made Adam look at him. "Okay." He repeated it until Adam nodded and then kissed his forehead. "Go have a shower, you stink."

While he was in the shower Al cleaned up. It gave him a chance to look around. He had nothing except a notepad, a phone and his wallet. He picked up the phone and it was unlocked. It had one number stored in it, his and nothing else. Since he had called Al a few days ago he had not made one or received any other calls other than his. He had not one single photo. Al picked up the notepad on top of the pile. He had written a few questions. One jumped out at Al. "Who is Adam Ruzek now?"

The fridge was pretty much empty except for a six-pack of beer and a pizza box. It hit Al; in that moment that this was someone who had nothing but the clothes on his back, a pile of files that constantly reminded him of everything he had lost and a question that no one could answer.

"Finished snooping around?" Adam chuckled when he came back. Al had cleaned up the empty bottles and opened the blinds to let some light in and cracked a window to get rid of the stale smell. He was in the kitchen making a coffee.

"Yep."

"Find anything?"

"Nope. Coffee?" He held up the jar of instant coffee. It was bound to be utter shit but better than nothing. Adam nodded. "So? What now?"

"Kim?"

"What about her?"

"Are you going to tell her?"

"If that's what you want." Al knew it was what he wanted and he had tried to figure out a way to convince him otherwise but by the look on his face it was pointless. He kept bringing her up. "What about your parents? They should probably know first."

"I want Kim to know."

"Why?"

"Because I do." He snapped.

"Talk to me about Kim." Al really wanted to know what he was letting himself in for, or more to the point, what he was letting Kim in for. If he was going to come back and pressure her or pile all this on her he wanted to know.

"I need to apologise to her, I feel like she knew I left because of what was going on between us, which was fucking with my mind. I hope she didn't blame herself and I am happy she moved on, I really am but I need to do that as well and that is the first step. It started all this, I need to end it."

"Fair enough."

"Do you have any photos?"

"Of Kim?"

"Yes."

Al shook his head.

"Are you lying to me?"

"Yes." Al refused to show him any photos. He did have photos of Kim but most of them were with her kids and it was not his place to show them. He would respect Kim's privacy; he would protect her until she knew how much her world was about to change. Even talking about her marriage felt like a betrayal but he knew how desperate Adam was to piece together his past. "Not until she knows, not until she says it's okay."

It was not the answer he wanted and Al was a little surprised when Adam lost his temper. He was seeing a little too much of this Paul person and he didn't like it. Neither did Adam and every time he caught himself slipping into that old skin it put him on the back foot.

"Hey." He warned him. "Don't speak to me like that." Adam had called him a fucking asshole and asked him why he was being such a prick. He thought he had no right to keep things from and didn't understand why he was making things hard for him. "I understand you are under a lot of pressure and this has been a fucking nightmare for you but just back the bus up."

Al did stay the night; they had dinner and more than a few beers. It was harrowing because the drunker he got the more he opened up and showed Al how broken and beaten he really was. His scars were deep, he had lived a life that he never wanted, he hated the man he become and he was scared that he wouldn't be able to shed that skin completely. He was terrified that people would turn away from him if they saw a glimpse of Paul and he was worried he'd never be able to suppress it.

His biggest fear was that he didn't know how to be Adam anymore.


	9. Home

_'She knows.'_

Adam had woken early. Today was the day, the day that he knew there was no going back. The day someone else knew about him. Technically Voight knew, but he kind of counted Voight and Al as the same person, they were weird like that. To him at least. Strangely though he didn't want to talk to Voight and still baulked at seeing him. Once he was back in Chicago he would take a bottle of scotch around to his place and lay it all out. It was just too hard at the moment to keep going over the same shit again and again. Seeing Voight now would mean he'd have to relive the past nine years again. He'd already re-lived it once with Al; that was more than enough.

He hadn't slept that well and was out running early. He put in a good 10 miles and it didn't feel as smooth as it usually did, he really struggled to find his rhythm. One thing this whole nightmare had taught him was the discipline of exercise. It cleared his mind and let him concentrate on the road ahead. Early on it gave him the chance to slip into his old self and be Adam for a little while because he was always alone. Gradually it became a time when he could forget about everything. Not today though, not thinking today was impossible.

Coming home he had a shower, tried to watch a movie and ended up in the gym downstairs doing some arm work. He thought if he tired himself out he wouldn't think too much about what was going on 280miles away. It had been an anxiety-riddled week. Al had been very patient with him even though he was quite erratic at times. It had been so long since he had someone who was willing to fight for him although that was quite right, people, or more specifically some of his girlfriends had wanted to fight for him. It's just that he never let anyone in and now he'd let Al in and that felt good.

And he was desperate. Everyday he asked Al to tell her and for a few days he refused. "Why the fuck are you keeping me away from my family?"

"Hey, just relax. This isn't just about you. You want me to pick up a phone and say hey Kim guess what Adam's not dead? Don't worry about him though, he's fine. He'll be here in a few days and you should pop over and say hi. Okay, talk to you later." Adam had no idea how much this was going to shake up Kim's world.

He laughed a little bitterly despite himself. "She might not care?"

"She will care, Adam, she will care. You know she will."

"That was nine years ago."

"Doesn't matter Adam, even if she did move on she still grieved for you."

"Grief doesn't last."

"It never gets easier, it just gets different. Remember that." There was so much more Al wanted to tell him but couldn't, he held his tongue. It would change everything and right now he probably wasn't ready for that and just as this would shake Kim to the core, Adam was about to be thrust into a world that Al knew he wasn't prepared for. It wasn't just walking back into his old world; everything had changed.

If things were a struggle for Adam, Al wasn't exactly gliding through life either. He'd also lost everything. Lexie left and refused to talk to him, Meredith never forgave him and once her daughter was gone she had no reason to stay in Chicago so she followed her. She never actually told Al she was leaving, he just went to her house one day and it was empty with a 'for sale' sign out the front. He had no-one to blame but himself.

The thing that really stung was Michelle only contacted him a couple of times, the last time was when she needed his medical details. He readily agreed, desperate to have one person in his life that he could call family, even after all the years of nothing. His marriage would have probably been over anyway but once he decided that he would accept Michelle as his daughter it was inevitable. Turned out that his blood type didn't match Michelle's and there was no way he was her father. He barely heard from her again and it was a painful kick in the guts for him.

He had already lost Lexie, the odd message she got from him wasn't enough and he had tried to reach out to her but got shut down. He suspected that Meredith had a hand in that.

And then he lost Adam.

Adam rang him everyday. "Al, what's going on? I can't stay here forever, I need to move on."

"You need to give her time."

"I can't, you keep saying that but the clock's ticking. This isn't about anyone else; it's about me and what I need. For nearly ten years I put everyone else before me, it's time to do something for me. I need to be me again. I need to see my parents. I need to decide what I am going to do next." Al knew he was waiting for all the answers, he still wasn't sure if he wanted to live in Chicago again and that depended on how things went with Kim. He wouldn't admit it but Al knew what he was waiting for. It wasn't fair to continue to ask him to put his needs last. "I can't live on fucking oxygen forever."

Then Al just turned up one day. "Please tell me the reason for this visit is good news? I get the feeling that it's not. At least you had the guts to do it face to face." Adam's anxiety was getting worse the longer this dragged on. Al just gave him his usual lazy smile and walked past him into his apartment and was happy to see it wasn't looking like a brothel. Not today anyway.

Al had finally put his foot down and he pushed and pushed hard, it had felt uncomfortable but he had told her that she was still torturing him by refusing to let him take the next step. It had been ugly but at the end of the day she agreed. "What you doing on Saturday?"

"Same as I do everyday…not a god damn thing."

"Good, you need to be in Battle Creek by ten." He grabbed his notebook from the table and wrote the address of a diner and added. "It's time for you to come home. Kim will meet you there. She wants to see you."

"Why Saturday, let's go now. Why can't I just come back to Chicago? I'll met her there." He groaned suddenly. "Two days, I can't wait two days."

"Hold on Kid. Kim has agreed only if she comes to you." Al held up his hand to stop him. He would have been out the door in a second given half the chance. The last thing anyone needed was for Adam just to turn up on the doorstep. "This is what Kim wants. Give her that at least." He wanted to come with Kim but she refused, she wanted to do it herself. He was worried what side of Adam she would see and if she saw any hint of Paul she might just walk away, she would probably feel that she had too.

"Why should I? I saved her life, perhaps it's time to repay the favour."

"Don't be a dick now." Al shook his head. "You made that decision, she never asked you to do anything. She would have welcomed you back with open arms." Al shut his mouth quickly. He was finding it harder to keep everything straight in his head, what he could say and what he couldn't.

"You will need to give me her number." He had been asking for it for days, almost begging for it. "Just in case."

"No, she said no, Adam she is still saying no."

"How do I know she won't bail?"

"She won't."

"Al." he pleaded.

Al wasn't budging though he knew if he gave him her number he would call it. "Try not turning up with a hangover." He knew Adam had been drinking a fair bit over the past few weeks. He didn't blame him; he really was just hanging around waiting for his life to start.

"I'm not a complete fucking idiot."

"Good to know."

Now he had two days to completely lose his mind. He had the conversation in his head over and over again. How much should he tell her? How much did he want people to know? Even Al didn't know it all; there were stories that he had buried so deep that he was scared to let them out.

When he had first joined IU he was a cocky shit and thought that he didn't need a counsellor but over the years he knew it wasn't a sign of weakness to admit you need help. He hadn't sought out anyone however in the years he was Paul because he couldn't risk telling anyone the truth even though he knew it could help him. His handler was the only person in the world he talked to and those conversations were ugly.

Al didn't know about all the shit he did when he was undercover, how much he got into character, how he screwed people over to get in with these people. He didn't know how he contemplated killing a man to save his own ass. Al never heard how he beat a man to within an inch of his life because he was told too.

And that was before he was 'killed'. All the drunken nights, when he didn't even know his name, when he didn't know where he was, when he was assaulted, robbed, kicked around and he just didn't care. When he lay in a gutter in a strange town and wanted to die.

He couldn't tell anyone what it felt like to sit at a filthy table in a grotty motel and hand over a DNA sample so that he could be 'killed' and his family would get a positive test so they'd accept he was dead. He did the test, then vomited in the sink and listened to them laugh and tell him to be a man and suck it up.

Nope that needed to stay buried deep within him and it took all his strength to push it down and as he sat in the diner, an hour before she was due to arrive he stilled his mind and buried the very worst of the past nine years. Every time Al got a glimpse of this man he became Adam could see the distress on his face and he vowed to never let it happen again. He didn't want to hurt anyone again; he'd done enough of that.

All those years ago he just buried Adam deep inside but Paul was never coming back; he couldn't come back because unlike Adam wasn't real.

Adam Ruzek was alive, barely but he was alive.

Al sent him a message, one message that morning. _'I'm proud of the man you are. I love you Kid.'_

He heard the bell on the door as it opened and he exhaled slowly.

He was no longer a Ghost.

 _ **And that is that, the end of this little tale. I have enjoyed the challenge of going back and revisiting a past story and writing a prequel. When I wrote the original story I never intended to have to go into the details leading up to the where Ghosts started. It was interesting and made me think and also try and make it seamless so that things that happened in Ghosts actually made sense in this story. It was also a bit of a struggle because I finished Ghosts so long ago, before they stupidly killed Al off and I haven't watched PD since episode 3. I prefer to remember pre-idiot Ruzek. He was my favourite.**_

 _ **Thank you for reading and reviewing. I hope I did Ghosts justice as well as the journey from being Paul to becoming Adam again.**_

 _ **Take care.**_


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